Monday, September 8, 2014

The Bright White Lights...

My dislike for the hospitals is well known on this space and yet I wanted to be a doctor. How Ironical?

I was four when I had my first operation. I still remember I was very jumpy and restless. The white lights everywhere were enough to scare me. Everyone was trying to pacify me but the four year old girl was not ready to go under anesthesia. I remember I was bribed in to it. I was offered chocolates and readily agreed. That is all that I remember.

Yesterday I had my second operation. I had decided to be strong and act strong. I think I carried myself pretty well in the days leading to the D-day by completely shutting it out of my life (How charming). How cool am I? I had a long list of do's and don'ts for the day before and like a slave I followed every instruction.  I also managed to sneak in a 10km run the day before to feel strong or more like an act of rebellion.. 

Finally the morning came and all my strong-ness crumbled. Luckily it was enough to put the facade on. I decided to count every time something made nervous. 
While I was getting prepped there was a 4-5 year old tiny kid who was there for the same thing. He looked shocked. He was sitting there like a statue and was staring at everyone with his big eyes. 
Both of us had fear written on our faces. I guess as humans we are all susceptible to it. The fear of what lies ahead. The anxiety of what is out there is enough to scare us because all we see is haze. 
The fact that we can't speculate things is what scares us. The fact that we can't form a road map is scary. What we don't realize is that we can't plan for everything. Life has a good sense of humor generally. Sometimes we should just sit back, leave things and believe that things will turn out perfectly.

There was a strange sensation which kept on getting stronger at every step. Removing those knick knacks, countless injections, paperwork. 

I went to the OT and instantly I had a deja vu feeling.  The doctors, nurses and the attendants kept on humoring me. Then the moment came -  the small talk with the anesthesiologist. 
I was asked to count - the standard drill I suppose. All the thoughts came floating in my head and the big question - What if I never wake up?  To be honest, it was a little dramatic of me to think about "what if". You know, when you are in the zone your mind talks a lot.
The first thought was- Missing the opportunity of finishing the whole bar of chocolate at once. (This is the ultimate necessary sin, you know.. Life *sigh*)

Then it was all over. The anesthesia wore off and like the bugger it is, I woke up boozy eyed and hung over. My people were all floating around me. Their voices were shrill and never ending. The gurning faces looking at me. I quietly went back to sleep again and woke up after ages feeling fresh.
I was in pain but I guess sometimes you just have to let it run its course. You can't fight it endlessly.
All I could do was relax and wait for it to go away on its own. 

Looking back, I think I did well. The staff was really sweet and esp the pre-op nurse. She was a sweetheart. I will go back and this time to thank her. 

I'd like to say that I was at my charming best there. 


  1. Oh there I was able to relate.. It feels still fresh in my mind too like it was yesterday when they gave me that anaesthesia and everything was slowly fading around me.. But when it was over I was surrounded by furious eyes of moms.. With tear of happiness on their faces eagerly waiting for there princess to smile back. Your blog refreshing everything!!

  2. You can always ask for pain meds. You don't really have to bear the pain. Hope you are feeling better and are all recovered.

  3. Hi Shreeja, Looking back, I hated the experience. I hope I never go back there.. The anticipation killed me.

    @Det Res: I was very boozy when I woke up and I think it took me a while to get my bearings right. I was given the pain meds right away. Recovery has been tough and has significantly impacted my running..